When Exhaustion Becomes Your Normal
I don’t know about you, but I’m tired. Not just physically tired, though that’s real too. I’m tired of carrying everything. Tired of being the one who remembers, manages, and makes it all work. Tired of smiling through it. Actually, let’s be real here, I don’t often smile through it. I can’t do that anymore. I’ve gotten so tired of pretending I’m fine when I’m barely holding it together.
When I was busy as a single mother, I dreamed about how it would get easier once my son was grown. I didn’t even realize when I was a single parent that my mental health was suffering.
I thought that my life would slow down, and I’d finally be able to just take care of myself, and then maybe I’d feel like I could breathe. But instead, I chose to get married, and I soon discovered that it still felt like I was still a parent. You see, I had an expectation of marriage that I didn’t realize at the time. I didn’t even have the words to articulate it until very recently (eleven years later). So, I ended up trading one kind of exhaustion for another, and somewhere in that transition, my mental health really began to get lost in the shuffle.
Add to that: I lost my dad last year. My mom is aging (gracefully). My elderly grandmother is in a nursing home. My older brother, who’s autistic, lives with my mom, and he will always need assistance. I often have concerns about all of them.
Meanwhile, I have dreams, really big dreams of living abroad in a warmer climate, of seeing the world, of finally doing something just for me. But I’m scared. Scared that life will keep happening TO me instead of FOR me. Fearful that I’ll wake up one day and realize I never got to live the life I was meant for because I was too busy managing everyone else’s.” I don’t want to live regretting the things I could have done and didn’t because I was so concerned about everyone else and their feelings.
Perhaps your story looks different, but I bet you recognize that feeling: the fear that time may be running out while your dreams remain on hold, the weight of responsibilities that never seem to lift, and the exhaustion of always being the one who has to be strong.
I’m learning now at 55 that taking care of your mental health after 50 isn’t a luxury we address when everything else is handled. It’s the priority that determines whether we merely survive this season or actively pursue what’s ours and thrive.
So what does mental wellness actually look like? Honestly? I’m still figuring it out, and I’m guessing that this may always be a struggle for me. Why? Because people-pleasing has been a real issue for me. But here’s what I’m learning I need and what I wish I’d prioritized years ago. None of these are things I’ve mastered. They’re things I’m fighting to hold onto, even when everything in me wants to keep pushing through and pretending I’m fine.
It begins with one essential foundation and four practical, non-negotiable principles that flow from it. I’ll be honest with you: The foundational one helps with the practical ones. I’m better at some of these than others. But naming what we need is the first step toward actually getting it.
Trust in God’s Plan: The Foundation
Before I talk about any practical steps, I must begin by trusting God’s plan, even when it doesn’t make sense.
This isn’t a “nice-to-have”. It is THE foundation. Without it, everything else will crumble. Because when you’re exhausted, not only will your dreams feel impossible, but everything will feel overwhelming. When you’re carrying more than you can handle, the only thing that keeps you from falling apart is knowing (and believing) that God orders your steps. (Psalm 37:23)
I believe that with every inch of my heart. I know God knows what’s best for me-that He knows things I’ll never know and that He’s protecting me from myself. I pray daily that God aligns my goals and dreams with His perfect will for my life. And that might mean that the things I dream of won’t happen. I continually ask Him to show me the way forward, to help me surrender what I can’t control.
But I’ll be honest—trusting Him when I’m this tired and this scared is hard. Some days, that trust comes easily. On other days, I’m wrestling, questioning, and begging Him to make sense of why I feel so stuck and why my dreams feel so far away. I sometimes ask Him why the life I’m living now doesn’t feel like it will ever get to the life I hope for.
I know that trusting God doesn’t mean pretending everything’s fine. It doesn’t mean suppressing your questions or your pain. It means that it’s a chance to bring all of it to Him: your exhaustion, your fear, your disappointments, and your confusion, and choosing to believe He’s still working for your good and His glory, even though you can’t see it.
The mental relief that comes from surrendering control is real and it’s beautiful. You’re building your relationship with Christ, and that’s a wonderful thing. When I stop trying to force everything, when I stop trying to control everything, when I release what’s not mine to carry, I can finally breathe.
But that surrender has to happen every day! Some days I do it well. Other days, it’s like I forgot how great God is, and again, I’m trying to control what I can’t.
Still, this is the foundation: God orders my steps. He knows the plans He has for me. And even when I can’t see the road ahead, I choose to trust Him every single day. I encourage you to choose to trust God with your hopes, dreams, disappointments and fear every day. Give Him your burdens.
Boundaries: Protecting Your Peace as an Act of Faith
This one is taking me the longest to learn. It’s a constant work in progress. For years, I’ve gone out of my way trying not to disappoint anyone. I said yes when I meant no. I stayed quiet when I should have spoken up. I looked out for everyone else’s feelings while I let mine fall by the wayside.
But something really changed for me this year. I’m tired of carrying what wasn’t mine alone, and I’m also even more tired of sacrificing my peace to keep everyone else comfortable.
So I started saying no. I also realized there was no need to be mean about it. Exercising boundaries isn’t mean, and it’s not selfish. It’s simply a matter of survival. There are things I will no longer go out of my way to do. Sometimes that means saying no to commitments that drain me. Sometimes it means letting others handle things I used to manage. Sometimes it just means choosing what serves my peace instead of what pleases everyone else. And I honestly don’t care what anyone thinks about that. Yes, I’m a member of the WDNC Club (We Do Not Care Club, founded by Melanie Sanders). LOL
I think setting boundaries is an act of faith. It’s trusting that God gave you a life to steward with intention. It’s saying, “My peace matters. My mental health matters. And I’m done apologizing for protecting both.”
You know the saying, “you can’t pour from an empty cup.” Protecting what God gave you-your time, your energy, and your peace-isn’t selfish. It’s faithful stewardship.
If you’re struggling with this one, I get it. I was there. But I’m telling you: the freedom on the other side of “no” is worth every uncomfortable conversation. You may lose some friends and some of your family may get upset with you. They may even blame you and call you names for doing what’s best for you, but let them. Setting bettings can make a big difference in your quality of life.
And most importantly, when it comes to setting boundaries, I encourage you to pray and discuss this with God. Ask Him how to handle these situations best and listen for His direction. Don’t lean on your own understanding of these matters (Proverbs 3: 5-6). Ask God to guide you in setting the boundaries you need with the people you love.
Rest: Sabbath Isn’t Optional
God rested on the seventh day. Jesus withdrew to pray. The Bible is clear about the importance of Sabbath rest.
So, why do I feel guilty every time I try to rest, as if I should be doing something, anything at all?
Because “society” promotes the idea (and we bought into the lie) that exhaustion is a badge of honor. That rest is something you earn after everything else is done, which, let’s be honest, never happens.
And for Black women especially, that idea is problematic. Because “strong Black women” don’t get to be tired. We don’t get to be weak. We’re expected to just keep going, keep carrying the load, and keep showing up, no matter what it costs us.
Rest isn’t a reward. It’s a requirement.
God didn’t rest because He was tired. He rested to model what we need. Rest is an essential part of the creation story because He knew it was vital. I struggle with this one a LOT.
I know I need rest, but I always feel like there’s something I need to do, and if I don’t do it, it won’t get done. I keep going, managing, and pressing on. And then I wonder why I’m feeling burned out and irritable.
Now, when I say rest, it’s not just sleep; we definitely need that too. However, I’m referring to physical and mental rest. Your body needs to recover from activity, and your mind needs to rest from planning things and the stress of life. It’s also about spiritual rest. Making the time to sit in God’s presence without an agenda, without asking for anything, and simply being with Him.
Rest is also an act of faith. Trust God already has everything handled. You can just “be”, you don’t have to “do”. Listen and learn to recognize when the Lord prompts you to rest, and be obedient. There’s no need to feel guilty or lazy.
Speaking of lazy, I’m learning (very slowly) that rest isn’t lazy. It’s not selfish. It’s me being obedient to God. It is essential for my mental health.
Connection: We Weren’t Meant to Carry This Alone
God created us for community. He does not want us to do life alone. I mentioned that I struggle with rest. But honestly? I REALLY struggle with this one too, with connection, because I don’t trust many people.
I would much rather isolate myself and just spend the time alone with God. Besides, he loves me despite my imperfections. We love spending time together, and I trust HIm with everything. But God doesn’t want us walking through the hardest seasons of our lives alone. We smile at church, post happy photos on social media, and tell everyone we’re “fine,” all the while we’re anything but okay. I must admit that I don’t attend my church regularly, and I know God is not pleased about that. I’m not going to make any excuses about that, and I know that is something I need to pray more about. People and their religiosity are a stumbling block for me, and it’s an issue I must let go of, but I digress. I’ll talk more about that in another blog.
Genuine connection requires vulnerability. And vulnerability can be scary. I’ve often talked about how vulnerability is a superpower that fosters connection.
That means sharing when you’re struggling and asking for help or prayer. It means allowing people to see “behind the curtain” of your “strong one” persona and expose “weakness” or softness.
But when you find your people —the women who show up, listen without judgment, and pray for you —the ones who find a way to make you laugh when all you wanted to do was cry —that’s fostering connection.
I’m grateful for the few girlfriends who make plans to hang out with me and check on me. Who allows me to be honest about what’s bothering me-the good, the bad, and the ugly. Those friendships are intentional, and they’re essential for my mental health.
Asking for help is an act of humility. We need each other.
Connection is a crucial aspect of mental wellness.
Purpose: Holding Onto Hope and Dreams God Placed in Your Heart
I have dreams. Real, big dreams of living abroad in a warmer climate, of seeing the world, of finally doing something just for me.
But I’m scared. Scared that life will keep happening TO me instead of FOR me. Afraid that I’ll wake up one day and realize I never got to live the life I was meant for, because I was too busy worrying about everyone else.
I know those dreams aren’t selfish or foolish. God planted them in my heart for a reason.
Your dreams matter to God. The desires He placed in your heart, your vision and purpose for the future, aren’t accidents. That means you need to protect and nurture your dreams, refusing to let them die under the weight of everyone else’s needs. That’s part of mental wellness.
We owe it to ourselves not to lose hope. When we give up on our dreams and resign ourselves to just surviving instead of thriving, something inside us dies. And that impacts our mental health more than we realize.
As I was writing this blog, I didn’t realize just how tired I am and how heavy the load is that I’ve been carrying for so long. It feels like no one but me cares about my dreams. Like everyone else’s needs come before mine, and by the time I may be free to pursue them, it’ll be too late.
Honestly? I feel all over the place in this season of my life, but I AM all over the place right now. And that’s the point. Sometimes life is messy. Sometimes our thoughts are scattered. Sometimes we’re holding onto hope and fear at the same time. And that’s okay. That’s real. Mental wellness isn’t about having it all figured out-it’s about being honest about where you are.
But even in the midst of feeling scattered, I know it’s not too late.
So, at 55, I’m still holding onto my dreams. Some days, that hope feels strong. On other days, I feel foolish, as if I’m being naive or selfish for even wanting more. I often think that my naivety when I was younger cost me a great deal. If I had truly understood certain things back then, I would have made different choices.
But even in feeling that way, I trust God’s timing. I know He hasn’t forgotten about the desires He placed in my heart. I keep praying that my dreams align with His will, trusting that if they do, He’ll make a way. If they don’t, that’s okay too—because that means He has something even better for me.
I often think about Romans 12:2, which advises against imitating the customs and behavior of the world. Instead, it calls us to allow God to transform our thinking so that we may know His will for us-His good, pleasing, and perfect will. God loves me so much that I know if I hold on tight to Him and His promises, I won’t have any regrets about missing out on the dreams I have for my life. He’ll transform them for His good and perfect purpose.
Mental wellness means protecting your vision for the future. It means refusing to let regret be your story. It means holding onto hope even when circumstances say it’s impossible.
Your dreams matter. Your purpose matters. And it’s not too late to pursue what God has called you to.
Don’t let anyone, including yourself, convince you otherwise.
Moving Forward: One Step at a Time
So here’s what I’m learning about mental wellness after 50: It must start with trusting God’s plan, even when it doesn’t make sense. It requires setting boundaries to protect your peace of mind. It demands rest—real, intentional rest. There must be a genuine connection with people who see you and support you. And it means holding onto the dreams God placed in your heart, even when they feel impossible.
These five non-negotiables aren’t things I’ve mastered. They’re things I’m learning, fighting for, and trying to live out one day at a time. Some days I do better than others. And that’s okay.
If you’re exhausted, if you’re carrying too much, if you feel like life is happening TO you instead of FOR you—you’re not alone. And it’s not too late to prioritize your mental health.
Start somewhere. Pick one of these five and focus on it this week. It could be setting one boundary. It could be taking a real rest day. It could be as simple as reaching out to a friend. Maybe it’s praying about the dreams you’ve let sit dormant. I would suggest starting with prayer and asking God for direction.
Just start.
Next week, I’m going to dig deeper into boundaries, because this is the change that has helped me the most this year. We’ll discuss why saying no often feels so challenging, how to establish boundaries without guilt, and what to do when others push back. If you’ve been struggling with this, you won’t want to miss it.
In the meantime, I’d love to hear from you. Which of these five non-negotiables resonates most with you right now? Where are you struggling? What are you learning? Drop a comment and let’s talk about it.
Remember: Your mental health matters. Your dreams matter. Your peace matters.
And you don’t have to have it all figured out to start taking care of yourself. I sure don’t!
Remember, life is a faith journey. We must walk boldly in faith!
