The People-Pleasing Trap
Last week, I shared five non-negotiables for mental wellness after 50: trust in God’s plan, Set Boundaries, Get Rest, Build Connections, and hold on to your Purpose. And honestly? The one that has been the hardest and the most life-changing has been establishing boundaries. And it is still a work in progress for me.
For most of my life, I’ve been a people-pleaser. (I spoke about this in an earlier blog.) I often said yes when I meant no. I stayed quiet or didn’t speak up for myself just to keep the peace. I honored everyone else’s feelings, while mine weren’t a consideration. And I often told myself I was being kind, humble, Christ-like, or even selfless.
I thought this was “esteeming others higher than myself,” like Philippians 2:3 says.
But that’s not right. That’s not what the Lord meant.
People-pleasing isn’t humility at all. It’s not biblical servanthood. It’s fear wearing a religious mask (and the last thing I ever want to be is “religious”).
And it’s one of the things that’s been slowly destroying my mental health for years.
Today, I want to discuss why boundaries aren’t just okay; they’re actually biblical. Why protecting your peace isn’t selfish, it’s stewardship. And why saying no isn’t being mean, it’s an act of obedience.
Because if you’re like me, you probably didn’t even realize you were people-pleasing. It was just who you were. How you always remembered being. It’s so deeply ingrained that you thought it was just you being you—your default setting.
But it’s not. And it’s time we see it for what it really is.
What the Bible Actually Says About Esteeming Others
I thought that putting everyone else first, prioritizing their needs over my own, and saying yes to some things I didn’t really want to do was what “esteeming others higher than myself” meant.
However, the truth is that my people-pleasing didn’t start when I became a follower of Christ. It started long before that.
It started as a little girl, trying to please my parents and being good enough to be acknowledged, to be seen, to matter. (If you’re a middle child, you might know what I mean.)
And then, when I became a mother at 22, it was reinforced in a whole new way. I was told, “You’re a mother now. You don’t get to finish college.” As if getting pregnant meant my dreams no longer mattered, like I was being punished for getting pregnant.
So I learned: Your child’s needs come first (which I still believe is true). Everyone else’s expectations of me come first. Your dreams? Those go on hold. Maybe forever.
And I carried those beliefs for a long time. I wasn’t bitter about it or anything. I just kept on living my life. Eventually, when my son got a little older, I started taking college classes again. My child grew up and became independent, but I continued to live as if everyone else’s needs, feelings, and expectations were more important than mine.
I didn’t think anything of it. I thought that was just who I was, how I was supposed to be. But then menopause happened.
I get that this might sound random, but hear me out. Going through menopause caused me to examine myself in ways I never had before. It brought up memories and ideals from the past. It inspired me to strive for improvement, to do better, and to love more like Jesus. It shook loose decades of conditioning and forced me to ask hard questions about who I really was versus who I’d been taught to be.
During this season of my life, the Holy Spirit has helped me view many verses of Scripture in a new light during my quiet times with the Lord. One of those verses was Philippians 2:3-4. It says: “Do nothing from selfishness or empty conceit [through factional motives, or strife], but with an attitude of humility [being neither arrogant nor self-righteous], regard others as more important than yourselves. Do not merely look out for your own personal interests, but also for the interests of others.” (Philippians 2:3-4, AMP)
Then it says in verse 5: “Have this same attitude in yourselves which was in Christ Jesus [look to Him as your example in selfless humility].”)
Read that again. Especially verse 4.
“Look not only to your own interests, but ALSO to the interests of others.”
ALSO.
Not INSTEAD OF. Not ONLY others, but ALSO.
This doesn’t mean to forget about yourself and your needs. It’s a call to mutuality. This means caring for others AND yourself. Both/and, not either/or.
I’d been living the “either/or” version for most of my life: either I take care of myself, or I take care of others. And I always chose others. I thought that made me more Christ-like.
But that’s not what this verse is teaching. It’s a warning against two extremes:
1. Selfishness—only caring about yourself, thinking you’re the only one that matters, and not considering anyone else.
2. Factional motives and strife—doing things for the wrong reasons.
And here’s what I realized: people-pleasing falls into that second category.
When People-Pleasing Is Actually “Factional Motives”
When I first read that phrase “factional motives and strife,” I didn’t fully understand what it meant. But the more I sat with it, the more I realized:
That’s precisely what people-pleasing is.
When I agree to do something out of fear—fear of disappointing someone, fear of conflict, fear of being seen as selfish—that’s not love. That’s self-protection.
When I prioritize everyone else’s feelings over my own just to maintain peace, that’s not humility; that’s strife avoidance.
When I serve others to be liked, to be needed, to maintain an image of being “so awesome, “that’s not Christ-like service. That’s factional motives.
People-pleasing isn’t serving from love. It’s serving from fear, obligation, and the need for approval.
And I’d been doing it for most of my life, thinking it was just who I was.
True Humility vs. People-Pleasing
So what’s the difference between true humility and people-pleasing?
True humility:
- Serves from genuine love and consideration
- Considers others’ needs WITH your own
- Says yes when it’s right, and no when it’s not
- Has boundaries that protect mutual respect
- Is motivated by love and obedience to God
People-pleasing:
- Serves from fear and obligation
- Ignores your own needs entirely
- Says yes to avoid disappointing people
- Has no boundaries, letting others take advantage
- Is motivated by approval and fear of rejection
One honors God. The other dishonors you.
And here’s what really stood out for me: Verse 5 tells us to look to Jesus as our example in selfless humility.
So I asked myself, “What did Jesus actually do?”
Jesus Had Boundaries
If we’re supposed to look to Jesus as our example of selfless humility, then we need to look at how He actually lived.
I found that Jesus had boundaries.
He withdrew to rest and pray, even when people needed Him (Luke 5:16).
He said no to people’s demands when it wasn’t the right time (John 7:6—”My time has not yet come”).
He prioritized His mission over everyone’s expectations. He was about His Father’s business.
He got in a boat and left crowds behind when He needed space (Matthew 14:13).
He even turned over (flipped) tables when people crossed the line (Matthew 21:12).
Jesus, who IS love, had boundaries.
He didn’t say yes to everything. He didn’t erase Himself to please everyone. He didn’t ignore His own needs to keep people comfortable.
He served from love, with intention, and with clear boundaries about what He would and wouldn’t do.
So, if Jesus had boundaries, then so can we.
Setting boundaries isn’t unbiblical. It’s not selfish. It’s not un-Christ-like.
It’s actually one of the most Christ-like things we can do.
When Giving Becomes a One-Way Street
I’ve learned the hard way that when you don’t have clear boundaries, resentment doesn’t explode—it builds. Slowly. Quietly. Until one day you realize you’re angry at people you love, and you can’t even explain why.
Because it’s not one big thing, it’s a thousand small things.
When you’re always the one who gives, always available, always accommodating, always saying yes—eventually, something inside you starts to shift.
You start keeping score without meaning to, because you’re the one who always gives while others just receive.
It’s your proactive care that benefits the people around you, your spouse, your friends, your family—all of whom rarely think to reciprocate.
In marriage, it’s cooking dinner because you’re hungry—and your husband assumes he’ll eat too, without ever offering to help, plan, or contribute. It’s managing the household, the schedule, the finances, the emotional labor—all while your partner just… exists in the life you’ve created.
In friendships, it’s being the one who reaches out, makes plans, and shows up—while others only call when they need something.
In a family, it’s being the caretaker, the problem-solver, the one everyone leans on—but no one ever asks if you need support.
It’s being taken for granted. Over and over and over.
And the worst part? You can’t even be mad about it. Because you never said no. You never set a boundary. You never asked for help. You just kept doing it all, thinking that’s just how it’s supposed to be.
So the resentment builds. And you grit your teeth through it, pretending you’re fine—
Until you’re not.
You’ve heard the saying, “You can’t pour from an empty cup.” It’s true. When you keep pouring while others keep taking—whether that’s your spouse, your friends, or your family—you won’t just be empty; you’ll become bitter.
And that bitterness? It’s a warning sign. It’s your heart saying, “Something has got to change.”
Boundaries aren’t just about protecting your time or your energy. They’re about stopping the one-way flow of care.
Because love is supposed to be mutual, relationships—marriage, friendship, or family—are meant to be reciprocal.
You’re not supposed to be the only one giving.
And when you are? That’s not love.
That’s exhaustion.
What’s Next
People-pleasing isn’t biblical. It’s fear. It’s factional motives. It’s doing things for the wrong reasons — to avoid conflict, to be liked, to maintain an image.
But true humility? That looks like Jesus. And Jesus had boundaries.
He protected His time. He said no when necessary. He prioritized His Father’s business. And He didn’t erase Himself to please everyone.
If boundaries were necessary for Jesus, they’re necessary for us too.
Next week, we’re going to get practical. I’m going to share how to actually set boundaries, what to say, how to say it, and what to do when people push back. Knowing that biblical boundaries are important is one thing, but actually implementing them is another. That’s where the real work begins. It’s hard.
In the meantime, I want you to do two things:
First, sit with this question: Where in your life are you people-pleasing out of fear instead of serving from love? Ask God to show you. And then ask Him for the courage to take action.
Second, I want to hear from you. Drop a comment and tell me: Which part of this resonated most with you? Have you been using Scripture to justify people-pleasing without even realizing it? Where do you most struggle with boundaries—marriage, friendships, family, work?
Let’s talk about it. You’re not alone in this.
Remember: Your mental health matters. Your dreams matter—your peace matters.
And you don’t have to keep pretending you’re fine when you’re not.
Life is a faith journey. Walk boldly.
Be brave enough to pursue your dreams. Be faithful enough to trust the process. Be kind enough to help another woman along the way.
